
I'm sure we all have a crazy story about ourselves or a drunk friend from one night out at a bar. But, bartenders get a first hand view of hundreds of drunk idiots every night. Here are some of their best, weirdest and/or craziest stories.
1. At least the tires weren't slashed...
"I worked on the bar in a restaurant but would sometimes act as the host if things got busy on the floor.
A couple came in once, I sat them down, gave them menus and all that. Not ten minutes in I pick up a call and it's a woman asking to speak to the guy. I politely let him know someone's on the phone and they say its urgent. He has a quick chat, seems okay and hangs up the phone before going back to the table. 5 minutes later, she calls again, I go over again, apologise and say they seem really concerned.
At this point he's clearly tense and making an effort not to raise his voice. After a few minutes he hangs up, hands the phone back to me and says "if she calls again, just tell her I'm not interested in speaking to her".
Lo and behold, she calls again, and I say exactly what he asked, to which she laughs in kind of a clichè "crazy ex" kind of way, and I shit you not, says "well tell him I hope he doesn't eat too much because when he finds the tyres I slashed he'll be walking home, wishing he'd spoken to me" and hangs up."
I went over a minute later and asked what kind of car he had because there was someone double-parked outside and wanted to check it wasn't him. I figured it wasn't worth freaking him out if it was an idle threat. He described the car and said where he'd parked it. I took a cig break and went to check... All 4 tyres were fine, but that poor bugger had not a single window left unsmashed or severely cracked and there were a couple of rocks laying on the ground.
Needless to say, they did not stay to finish their meal.
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2. Might as well at least try to have one more drink before you go to jail...
"Car plowed into the bar I was working in, coming all the way in, and flipping a pool table on its side. Pinned three off duty Applebee’s waitresses against the bar. No one was hurt and the woman who was driving tried to order a drink."
3. A little exhibitionism/voyeurism...
"I once witnessed a woman openly fondling herself (dress hiked up, underwear pulled aside) in the middle of a not super busy bar. It was very obvious she wanted people to see. The weird part was, after a bar back yelled at her and told to stop or get out, a guy walked up to the bar back and said “don’t talk to my wife like that” This really happened."
4. Soulja Man...
"I have so many stories of the same guy who we only knew as “Soulja Mon”. Soulja Mon was as he referred to himself “I’m black Irish!” (He was not black nor Irish). He was about 5’2” and also would say he was “from the island” (he did have a very strong Caribbean accent but who knows what island) He came into the small music venue (mainly punk/metal) that I worked at every single Friday and Saturday like clockwork. He tipped super well and was usually nice to the staff but the second he walked in the clock started until he would have to be cut off and kicked out. It was always fairly harmless and depending on the right crowd was hilarious to watch so we never banned him but more often then not he would piss off someone, usually the band, and we would have to remove him.
I will try to list as many examples as I can remember.
He would always stand as close to the lead singer as he possibly could without being on the small stage and continually gyrate his hips directly at them THE ENTIRE SET. The stamina alone was impressive but definitely awkward when there’s only 6 people in the venue.
He would constantly yell at the band the entire time, usually compliments, sometimes complete gibberish guttural sounds. He would repeat the same lines over and over. His favorites were “We love you, WE love you.”, “SOULJA, SOULJA SOULJA”(can you guess how we named him?), “YO SEXY. SEXY. YO SEXY”. It did not matter who was on stage or performing for that one. Sometimes when no one was performing
One specific time there was a very mellow acoustic show of acts from the local college. One girl was playing acoustic guitar and he was really going for it that night for some reason and after she finished her song it’s silent in the place with a crowd of maybe 10-20 people when he yells “YOU PLAY GOOD” to which the crowd started clapping and agreeing. Realizing he had agreement and the crowds attention he had to add to it now so he finished with “FOR A WOMAN”. He truly meant it as a compliment even tho it was hilariously wrong. That one still cracks me up from the collective sigh and gasps from the entire bar.
One of the times I personally told him he was cut off and had to leave he flipped me off with both hands and put them up to his sides and Zoidberg style sideways scooted to the door, still with both middle fingers up, and then as the bar went silent he yelled straight at me “HEY! You’re a dick!.......BUT I LOVE YOU!” He then left.
He would never finish more than half a beer before rushing to get another and would always tip and then put a finger to his mouth like “shhh” and then tip more. I didn’t understand the ritual but I also didn’t care."
He would regularly say things about being a cop or something about FBI. Could never really make that one out but he would say something about either and then giggle like a school girl. Pretty sure he had learned the words but not what they actually meant
After we would kick him out he would walk out front and do the loudest whistle and wave for nonexistent cabs and then stand there until one randomly drove by when he would promptly run out in front of it to try to get a ride. Shockingly enough this was effective about 50% of the time

5. Ma'am, what are you doing under the table?
"Used to have a regular who sold her time on Backpage. She loved our queso so she always had the guys bring her there. What stuck out was that she always ordered Jagermeister and Diet Coke. In the same glass. I once had to kick her out because she got so wasted she was giving a blowjob under one of our tables. When I could clearly see the dick in her mouth she lies about what she's doing and says she is looking for something."
6. Poor kid...
"Butt ass naked kid maybe 5-6 years old came in. Reactions ranged from WTF to laughter to attempts to help. Kid went straight to this lady, an every night regular, who turned out to be his mom. Apparently he hid in her car and she was too zonked on various substances to notice. Kid was naked because he had literally nothing to wear, I later learned, and their duplex apartment a few blocks away was a vermin infested Hellhole. Mom was a serious addict. Her kid following her to the bar was the impetus that led to him being taken away and her getting sent to rehab. I learned all this after the fact.
But the kid walking naked into the bar was definitely among the most unexpected things I’ve ever seen."
7. This one takes an unexpected turn...
"A heavy set middle eastern man was drinking heavy and got very drunk at my bar. When he went to the restroom his prime rib dinner had arrived. I think he shot-up some smack in the stall cause when he came back way drunker. He then cut a long big strip of prime rib, about the size of a thick hot dog, then while glaring at me, threw his head back and proceeded to swallow it whole like a baby bird would a worm from its mother. It of course got stuck in his throat choking him and he passed out and fell on the floor. I/we cleaned out his air passage and gave him CPR. 10 minutes passed and he was still unconscious when the paramedics arrived. He left with a heart beat but died later that night in the hospital."
8. "Once had a crack addict covered in prison tattoos explain to me why it’s better to shoot heroin into your penis than into your neck (I am a woman, no penis to shoot heroin into here). He was actually kind of a good dude in his way, he taught me how to stop people who were smoking crack in the bathroom without having it get rough for me. The trick was politely yelling from the hall to the washroom “Hi! I know you’re smoking crack in there but if you could please leave I won’t call the cops, thank you!” and honestly it worked like a charm."
9. "I once served a very large woman with some pretty decent stubble and her man friend, who was cross eyed and kinda smelt like pee. They were sitting at a booth at 2 or 3 in the afternoon and she was taking “blowjob” shots - which are topped with whipped cream and you’re not supposed to use your hands to drink. Each time I brought her one she lifted her breasts, one by one, and placed them on the table so that she could lean over them to reach the shot glass on the table with her mouth. By shot number three or four she had whipped cream in her whiskers and her man friend was leaning across the table to stroke her face and say “I fuckin loooove you” honestly I actually think the moral of that story is that there’s someone for everyone, and that’s kinda sweet?"
10. But it was funny right?
This happened on my first Friday night. There was two french women mid to late twenties having a good night, very chatty to the staff even though it was busy but that quite nice and refreshing for a busy night. This one large sweaty guy makes his way to the bar and orders a drink while standing between these two women. As he overhears their accent he ask “are you two french?” The ladies reply politely and continue talking between them. This guy pulls down his pants all the way to his ankles and says “in that case welcome to Scotland baby” while making solid eye contact with me looking for approval.
At this point one of the girls grabs the guys dick and balls and starts pulling him out of the pub like he’s a disobedient dog and the pure look of regret and embarrassment on the guys face was priceless. She was really pulling with all her force and the guy was just trying to stay in one piece.
The other girl finished her drinks tipped us all very well, thanked us for a great night and swiftly left. As she opened the door I heard a feint yell of “but it was funny right?”
11. She brought me his teeth...
Used to bartend at a strip club, so I definitely saw some weird things. The one that sticks out the most: Bartending in VIP and a guy refused to pay the girls for the hours. VIP host, who was also a former fighter, asked the guy to pay. Guy gets belligerent, calls him a slur and spits in the host’s face. Host hits him once, KO. Guest comes to, stands up and spits blood at everyone and is escorted out. Dancers brought the teeth they found to me at the bar... not sure what I was supposed to do with them.
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